Today I am feeling really down on myself and I'll admit, it's pretty stupid why. Last night my mom and sisters and I were watching Snow White and the Huntsman while working on my princess costumes for my business. I was honestly having a blast, but I often get in these weird moods when I'm watching a movie where I can't help but compare myself to the actors and actresses. You see, I love acting. I just eat it up. I used to do a lot of it in high school and college. I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to be in movies. I can honestly say that I didn't want the stardom or to be famous. I simply wanted to act. There is something about taking on a new character and having an adventure that little old me would never have. (I have wonderful adventures, but I want to experience it ALL and that can't happen to one person.) I wanted to live in a fantasy world of storytelling. I wanted to play characters that people can identify with, the good the bad and the ugly.
So when I watch these movies that I enjoy I can't help but think how fun it would be and how I would play certain characters. It's fun, but often disheartening. Why am I not doing that? How come she got that part and here I am in my sweats eating fishy crackers? It's not that I don't work hard, I go from 0-100 every day. I am willing to work really really hard to accomplish my dreams. But I have other dreams too. Ones that mean more to me. Dreams that breathe and have a heart beat. Nothing is more important to me than my husband and my baby girl. I am torn. There are so many things I want to accomplish, but it's so hard when I have other responsibilities. How do I follow my dreams of acting when my day is literally devoted to this 22 pound bundle of joy? I can't help but feel like I can't jump in with both feet because it wouldn't be fair to her or Gavin. But then I feel like I'm letting myself down if I don't at least try to follow my dreams. Is it even possible to do both? I've always thought I could do anything if I work hard enough. But now I'm not so sure. There just isn't enough time, money or self confidence to figure out how to make it work.
How selfish am I to feel like what I have isn't enough? For heaven sakes! I was watching the movie with my family who was helping me get costumes together so I can accomplish (another) dream of having a princess party business! I am a terrible terrible person! I just want the world, but I also want to help others achieve their dreams too. I'm not a brat. I just know that the awful feeling of not being enough is so horrid and no one should ever feel that way. But I am just one small person. How can I make my own dreams come true let alone my husbands, or my daughters? Or my parents, my siblings, even my friends?! I wish I knew. I guess I just need to keep doing the best i can and believe it will all work out. I guess I just need a little more faith and trust (and a little more pixie dust wouldn't hurt) . . . And a few more windows to be opened.