Today I am feeling really down on myself and I'll admit, it's pretty stupid why. Last night my mom and sisters and I were watching Snow White and the Huntsman while working on my princess costumes for my business. I was honestly having a blast, but I often get in these weird moods when I'm watching a movie where I can't help but compare myself to the actors and actresses. You see, I love acting. I just eat it up. I used to do a lot of it in high school and college. I wanted to be an actress. I wanted to be in movies. I can honestly say that I didn't want the stardom or to be famous. I simply wanted to act. There is something about taking on a new character and having an adventure that little old me would never have. (I have wonderful adventures, but I want to experience it ALL and that can't happen to one person.) I wanted to live in a fantasy world of storytelling. I wanted to play characters that people can identify with, the good the bad and the ugly.
So when I watch these movies that I enjoy I can't help but think how fun it would be and how I would play certain characters. It's fun, but often disheartening. Why am I not doing that? How come she got that part and here I am in my sweats eating fishy crackers? It's not that I don't work hard, I go from 0-100 every day. I am willing to work really really hard to accomplish my dreams. But I have other dreams too. Ones that mean more to me. Dreams that breathe and have a heart beat. Nothing is more important to me than my husband and my baby girl. I am torn. There are so many things I want to accomplish, but it's so hard when I have other responsibilities. How do I follow my dreams of acting when my day is literally devoted to this 22 pound bundle of joy? I can't help but feel like I can't jump in with both feet because it wouldn't be fair to her or Gavin. But then I feel like I'm letting myself down if I don't at least try to follow my dreams. Is it even possible to do both? I've always thought I could do anything if I work hard enough. But now I'm not so sure. There just isn't enough time, money or self confidence to figure out how to make it work.
How selfish am I to feel like what I have isn't enough? For heaven sakes! I was watching the movie with my family who was helping me get costumes together so I can accomplish (another) dream of having a princess party business! I am a terrible terrible person! I just want the world, but I also want to help others achieve their dreams too. I'm not a brat. I just know that the awful feeling of not being enough is so horrid and no one should ever feel that way. But I am just one small person. How can I make my own dreams come true let alone my husbands, or my daughters? Or my parents, my siblings, even my friends?! I wish I knew. I guess I just need to keep doing the best i can and believe it will all work out. I guess I just need a little more faith and trust (and a little more pixie dust wouldn't hurt) . . . And a few more windows to be opened.
2 comments:
It IS so hard to have all these feelings at once. (Because we know you have the emotional depth far deeper than Ron) and sometimes we feel that if we are not working on everything at once we are forgetting about it and it will never happen. That is the lie that stills our joys of the present moment, never to return. And it comes from the same liar that says you are not enough. The truth is, you will have all the time you need to make each and every dream come true. Each one shinning like a snow flake for just a short moment. Love the here and now and watch the hand of the Lord unfold for you my beloved daughter.
actually that comment was by lauren's mom...well obviously. I think I wrote it signed into her account.
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